I am woman.

Her body is not something to be taken lightly. It is hers and there is no changing that. She may give it to you, she may not. It is her choice. She may adorn it with ink or metal or vanilla scents. She may cover it or she may not. She may scar it and make it bleed or take the perfect care of it. She may do anything, and it will always be her choice. You have no control over her skin or what’s beyond. You control your actions, your consequences. You may do what you want with her choices, but you may not make them for her.

liquid sunrise

I had this big window in my room when I was little where I liked to watch the sun set after finishing my homework. And as the seasons changed those sunsets changed and I think I began to change with them. The navy of winter gave way to crimson in spring, and with it came the year my heart was broken. And when spring became summer the sun set a little later so eventually I set a little later. Homework turned to broken curfew and nighttime only brought nostalgia and hunger and urgency. So when daylight gave me distaste in the fall of the following year I fell back into the rhythm of the suns goodbye. Watching out my window became watching from some strangers bed; and rather than falling in love when the sky permitted that childlike yellow and those sorrow-less reds, I fell apart. That was the year I found God. But God had a funny way of ignoring my midnight plea’s so I changed a little more. I found comfort in the wrong set of arms and solace in the pain-prescriptions. I discovered Jesus with your hands around my neck and felt reality in the weight of my own heart. My window stayed locked and often my homework undone; so when the sky began to suffocate and I flunked out of school I blamed the changing seasons. I’d never asked to fall in love with the tragedy of it all. Never wanted night to become my best friend and most viscous enemy. Never prayed for summer to end or spring to move on, or the sun to steal my innocence. These were the years I let go. These were the years I found myself. Carved and refined and worked on my rock until I became a David of modern day. These were the lessons. The years that changed my life.

oh darling,

you are so full of love, remember that. You are beautiful and kind and important. You can do the things you put your mind to. Remember nature relaxes you, and it will always be there for you. No matter what. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s ok to spend a day or two recuperating. You come first. You’re incredibly talented and this right here is one of your best qualities. One of the things you love the most. You need to stay organized and prioritize better. You can get it done, I promise it’s not too hard. Music also makes you feel better – remember these little things. I know you can make yourself proud because I always, always believe in you. Find your roots, and stick to them. Find what’s important to you and follow it like the damn North Star. I know you can do it. I know we can do it. Never forget that. 

– 12/10/16

virgin self-love

I tell you:

I will grow my own flowers and love my own self. I will be healthy and happy and you will have nothing to do with it. I will appreciate me just as you did but to me it will matter much more. And yes, I will miss you always but no I will not lose my love for myself when you do. I will water and nurture and grow my own flowers, and I will be ok when you’re gone.