liquid sunrise

I had this big window in my room when I was little where I liked to watch the sun set after finishing my homework. And as the seasons changed those sunsets changed and I think I began to change with them. The navy of winter gave way to crimson in spring, and with it came the year my heart was broken. And when spring became summer the sun set a little later so eventually I set a little later. Homework turned to broken curfew and nighttime only brought nostalgia and hunger and urgency. So when daylight gave me distaste in the fall of the following year I fell back into the rhythm of the suns goodbye. Watching out my window became watching from some strangers bed; and rather than falling in love when the sky permitted that childlike yellow and those sorrow-less reds, I fell apart. That was the year I found God. But God had a funny way of ignoring my midnight plea’s so I changed a little more. I found comfort in the wrong set of arms and solace in the pain-prescriptions. I discovered Jesus with your hands around my neck and felt reality in the weight of my own heart. My window stayed locked and often my homework undone; so when the sky began to suffocate and I flunked out of school I blamed the changing seasons. I’d never asked to fall in love with the tragedy of it all. Never wanted night to become my best friend and most viscous enemy. Never prayed for summer to end or spring to move on, or the sun to steal my innocence. These were the years I let go. These were the years I found myself. Carved and refined and worked on my rock until I became a David of modern day. These were the lessons. The years that changed my life.

oh darling,

you are so full of love, remember that. You are beautiful and kind and important. You can do the things you put your mind to. Remember nature relaxes you, and it will always be there for you. No matter what. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s ok to spend a day or two recuperating. You come first. You’re incredibly talented and this right here is one of your best qualities. One of the things you love the most. You need to stay organized and prioritize better. You can get it done, I promise it’s not too hard. Music also makes you feel better – remember these little things. I know you can make yourself proud because I always, always believe in you. Find your roots, and stick to them. Find what’s important to you and follow it like the damn North Star. I know you can do it. I know we can do it. Never forget that. 

– 12/10/16

more

I feel as small as the

trees

look from my favorite spot.

A sea of civilization

freckled with

oaks,

redwoods,

pines.

I am one of these trees.

And I am drowning in the

immensity of my surroundings.

Drowning inside my body.

Drowning in the

thought of it all.

In the infinite possibility.

Yet

my legs keep kicking,

arms keep

paddling.

I feel a drought all around

but

my body is so full.

My head is so heavy.

The chemicals will

kick in soon enough,

though.

And the dams

will hold.

I will go through another day.

Holding back

the war I want to

unleash.

I will crawl into

bed; alone: tired.

And think:

tomorrow will be better.

because

you made it one more day.

And I will be

proud

of that.

And I will be

proud

of myself.

And I will be,

one day,

more than ok.

Wednesdays

Wednesdays have very quickly become my favorite days of the weeks. On Wednesdays I have created a tradition. I drag myself to Honors, I talk with people I love about things I love and I come home happier than I thought I could; and after a brief resting period I head to Business. Business, however, remains a waste of time. Usually I drown out my professor’s voice reading off of someone else’s lecture slide with the newest music I’ve come across, or I sit and write what I can. But post-bore I head to pick up a light-iced-vanilla-latte and something sweet (this part of the tradition will not hold up much longer I’m afraid, it’s amazing how quickly money flies away up here). I take my treats to the river that runs through campus, and sit on a stone wall right by the waters edge. I work on math or read or simply enjoy nature while I wait for my final class. I cannot explain in words how beautiful it is here at this time. The sun is touching the water in such a way that sparks something in my heart and gives me butterflies deep in my gut. The leaves shiver in the breath of the breeze. This is a place where you cannot feel hate or despair or lust. This is a place where no evil touches the ground and the sky seems endlessly blue and wonderful. I am here now and I cannot believe that places like this exist so simply. It is so pure, so safe. Soon I will head to class and the sun will set over the beauty here, but this feeling will last and I will hold on to it for as long as life lets me. Today is a good day and today I am thankful – for this life I live, for the people in it, for every day I get. I thank God when I can and I hope he understands how appreciative I am, even when I forget to express it. The world is a wonderful place, and wow, am I one lucky girl to be here now.