naked

Today is a hard day. Today I can feel a tightness in my chest that wasn’t there a week ago. Today my bones are tired tired tired. Brain is tired tired tired. Today I am afraid me, of this sadness in my heart, of this sleep-deprived-unfed-neglected pile of person. I am worried. Living on my own is harder than ever imagined on days like these. Days where you need your parents cooking and someone to tell you that they’re proud of you.

This morning I sat in class and I couldn’t shake a feeling that I wasn’t going to be ok. I know I will, it’s always ok in the end, but this morning it didn’t feel quite that right. I’m trying hard here but I have not been trying my hardest and the anxiety pooling at the base of the pit I’ve created is making it a bit hard to breathe. I believe in myself, I know I can manage all of it and succeed with all of it and make the best of all of it, but I am so afraid I’ve already failed.

My heart has had a pretty hard week as well. The poor thing, I’ve put it through so much. I’ve been too open to too many pathetic promising people and it’s left my heart a bit bruised. I haven’t found the time to learn to love it like they do. I don’t know why I cannot grasp the whole self-sufficient thing. Today my heart is hurting. Today I am hurting. Today I am just bearably anxious and panic is lurking like a shadow. Today I am just a girl in a world much too big for her and I am scared. I am scared to jump and I am scared to fall.

I miss the souls at home. My family, my friends, the blessings in my life. I love it here – the newness, the pretty, the free – but I miss my mom and dad. I miss my little brother. I am so afraid of letting them down. So afraid I won’t be enough. So afraid I wasn’t enough to begin with.

Today is a Wednesday, my favorite days. Today is a hard favorite day. Writing by the river with music in my head I feel better than I did. Today I decide what I want, I control. Today I can turn this around, today I will turn this around.

x

Thank you for listening, and I am sorry if I scared you with my words. These are words for you and me. This is my heart on a page and as much as it gets kicked and picked on it will continue beating. I am a happy soul having a bad day. Tomorrow I will be a happy soul having a better day. I hope you read this and agree with my message: you are in charge. We can change this. We will change this.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me be heard.

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